Free at Last

"Cassie, I really appreciate the offer, but I just don't see it working out for us."

"Cassie, I really appreciate the offer, but I just don't see it working out for us."

"Cassie, I really appreciate the offer, but I just don't see it working out for us." It was my mantra on Tuesday. I said it when I woke up, when I walked to class, when I went to the bathroom.

"Cassie, I really appreciate the offer, but I just don't see it working out for us."

"I just don't see our relationship extending outside the classroom." That was my follow-up line, in case she asked "Why?"

She didn't talk to me during class. I thought maybe she'd just abandoned the idea altogether, after having a week to analyze my behavior. And as class slowly wound down, I started packing my stuff up. Maybe I can make a break for it after class, I thought. And I could have. I could have slowly snuck away, as everyone was packing up tables and cleaning massage oil from his or her hands.

But in my heart I knew I couldn't run. The madness had to end tonight. Besides, I was already a liar and an asshole, I didn't need to be a pussy as well. So I stayed, idly scribbling on a piece of paper, waiting for Cassie to approach me, like the old guy who's lived on the side of a dormant volcano his whole life, and won't leave even when an eruption is imminent.

And of course Cassie did come over, sneaking up behind me with all the stealth of a fire-breathing dragon. I could feel her presence over my shoulder before she even spoke.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," I replied, still scribbling, not making eye contact.

"How's it going?" She asked.

"I'm doing great," I responded. It seems I've developed a habit of lying to this girl.

"So did you and your girlfriend ever figure out what to do on Valentine's day?"

"Of course," I said. "We met up with another couple and swapped partners."

Ok, so I didn't say that. But obviously I should have, if she's going to keep bothering me. Of course, if I actually had a girlfriend, I'd probably be more than happy to talk about her. I might bring pictures.

My real answer was simply, "Of course." Which on it's own is not impressive, but it's a big improvement over "Mmmmmmmmm." Then the moment of truth came:

"So do you still want to go get some ice cream?"

I took a deep breath, girded my loins, stood up to look her in the eyes, and said:

"CassieIreallyapprectiatetheofferbutIjustdon'tseeitworkingoutforus."

So it didn't come off quite as smooth as I wanted it to. And I didn't look straight in her eyes, more like to the side of her face. But I said the words, and for once she understood them.

"Oh, ok. Yeah, I guess, you have a girlfriend and all..."

"Yeah." Whatever. Whatever reason she wanted to think, as long as she got the point. And she did, but she still took the time to make a truly awkward moment:

"I just thought...you know, it seemed like, you might like to, well..."





(BIG AWKWARD PAUSE)





"Yeah," I said. "Thanks for understanding." Then I grabbed my backpack, grabbed my coat, hat and scarf, and bolted. I walked out of that room like it had a dead body in it. I didn't stop to put my coat on until I was off campus. But I was happy. I was skipping along with a big smile on my face, swinging my arms. I felt so good I didn't even care when I got home and realized I'd left on of the school's $4000 cameras in the classroom, necessitating a half-hour round trip to retrieve it.

And since Tuesday night, I've been feeling a lot better. Less stressed, less worried. I think I've got my game back now. I can concentrate on other things, which is good because I've got to start cracking on casting for the movie I'm making this semester. I need four guys and three girls. It's really just the guys' parts that are hard to cast. The girls I just check for attractiveness, and say "you're in." There are no ugly people in my movie, that's a rule.

The script of the movie is quite male oriented. Most girls have found it funny as well, but it's very much like Wedding Crashers or 40-Year Old Virgin in its crass, masculine humor. There are three female parts, and one of them is very short, in the last scene, but incredibly crucial. I asked a girl who is in the Movie Making class for which I currently am the TA if she was interested; I'd seen her act in another film, and I thought she'd be right for the part. The scene, essentially, is the main character walking into the on-campus clinic, sitting down next to a "pretty cute" (the actual description from the script) girl, and striking up a conversation with her. So I asked this girl, whose name is NOT Clara, if she'd be interested, she said yes, so I sent her the script. Here is the e-mail response she gave me after reading it:

Okay... Kenny. I finally downloaded the file correctly and read your script. If you knew what I already thought of meatheads.. you'd know that sending me that only makes me hate men more. Also, I have a huge problem with being referred to as "pretty cute" while in fact in reality i am far better looking than pretty cute. Unless you can change that- there is no way I'm helping you.

NOT Clara

Well, it seems that I asked the wrong girl for the part, although I won't deny she's very attractive. I certainly wouldn't call my script politically correct, not would I claim that it glorifies women, except as beautiful creatures, but I think her reaction was a bit excessive. Oh well. The temptation to respond with a sarcastic, insulting, misogynistic e-mail was powerful, but I refused to lower myself to that level. I wrote a measured, mature response, saying I understand she was offended but that most people find the script funny, not offensive, and that it seems we simply aren't destined to work together. I'm a little dissappointed that I have to find a new actress by Saturday morning, but there is a big silver lining. Her reaction proved to me that my script is, indeed, damn funny.