The Clash of the Titans

One thing you can count on during football games is manly advertisements. And one commercial in particular that I've been seeing a lot of since the playoffs started is for the latest and greatest in road-ravaging-testosterone-fueled-testicle-steered Truckage: the Nissan Titan.

The commercials for this brobdingnagian vehicle have been running like Spanish bulls during the football games. Every time a team gets a first down, or doesn't, we get another thirty seconds of the Titan. One of my favorite moments in the commercial is when the truck demonstrates its power by lifting the cab of an 18-wheeler off the ground, via a pulley. Of course, pulleys increase the mechanical advantage, so it's really not that impressive at all. Given enough pulleys a Hyundai could do the same thing.

Of course, the other car companies won't rest on their laurels. Soon we'll be exposed to a mounting barrage of manly trucks: the Ford Colossus, the Chevy Juggernaut, the Dodge Brontasaurus. All driven by the people who need them the least. Honest to goodness working men will keep using their '88 pickups, while frat boys all over the country use the 305-hp engine and class leading 379 lb-ft of torque to haul up to 9,500 lbs of Miller High Life.

We already went through this whole testosterone war with SUVs. You'd go to the mall and the parking lot would be choked with vehicles like the Chevy Ground-Destroyer and the Ford Earth-Raper, all driven by soccer moms vying for the spot closest to Bath and Bodyworks so they can get more scented candles. I expect we'll undergo a similar ordeal with these trucks, though I don't imagine we'll see many suburban housewives behind the wheels. More likely ineffective, out-of-shape guys whose idea of a manly activity is taking a shot of whiskey without a chaser. But Nissan has come to his rescue. Now when he goes to the manly sports bar on a manly Monday night to watch some manly football, his truck can be just as manly as everything else that isn't him.

So I expect the Nissan Titan to be harnessed in a variety of inappropriate ways, and I expect the flatbeds never to see anything heavier than a keg of Natty Light. However, any misappropriation of the Nissan Titan pales in comparison to the tastelessness of Ashton Kutcher. I could talk about Ashton Kutcher's base vulgarity from now until the Sun becomes a cold lump of coal the size of your pancreas, but right now I'll just concentrate on his absolutely despicable vehicle.

That's it pictured to the right. His is a different color, but that monstrosity is in what he sees fit to cruise the streets of LA. It's twenty-one feet long and nine feet tall. Imagine trying to merge onto the 405 in that beast. Woeful overcompensation, of course, but he's so emasculated we should be glad he doesn't roll around in a forklift. Although I expect it won't be long before Ford ups the ante and comes out with the first civilian garbage truck: the Ford Wrath of God.