Jumbo Pride

Once a year, I am proud to be a Tufts student. That’s not knocking against Tufts; it’s a top-level liberal arts school with outstanding faculty, hard-working/hard-playing students, and a mascot who sports a 5-foot penis. (Our mascot is Jumbo the Elephant, in case you didn’t know. Jumbo was an actual elephant in the Barnum & Bailey circus, and you can find a brief bio of him here: http://ase.tufts.edu/athletics/history.html)
But despite the endowments of our mascot, Tufts has no distinct character. There is a certain panache, a savoir-faire, a je ne sai quoi, a mot ou expression francais which we lack. However, once a year, in the middle of December, when finals loom like a dangerous metaphor over the entire student body, thousands of students mobilize for our one great moment: the Naked Quad Run.
The first day of the reading period, in the interim between the end of classes and the beginning of finals, the residential quad becomes the site of a race that would make the ancient Greeks proud. Hundreds of naked co-eds make lap after lap around the roughly quarter mile circuit, with thousands of bystanders cheering them on. Some people not of the Tufts community are confused about the meaning of “Naked Quad Run.” My good friend Richard once asked, “So, exactly how naked does everyone get?” My answer was that it’s the sort of naked where to have to undertake detailed personal maintenance if you want to make a good showing. As a side note, Richard goes to Roanoke College, and if you also attend that college you should immediately click on this link (http://www.collegehumor.com/pictures/1636549/) and feel proud of yourselves. And since I’ve mentioned Richard, I should flesh out his character by noting that, if he were a Tufts student, and ran the NQR, he would be the only male running, because every other guy would be in his room crying to his pillow, while the entire female population of Massachusetts would be lining the course.
But I digress. The only clothing permitted in the NQR is shoes. The reason being that it’s typically about 23 degrees on the day, and an easy foot of snow covers the ground. The path has typically been cleared of all powder, leaving a nice sheet of ice on which Jesus would slip. And it goes without saying that that vast majority of the runners are as drunk as initiation-week freshmen.
Now, due to the environmental conditions, this event is not really the best forum to show off one’s body. For the guys, it actually excuses us from any degree of accountability, because it really is cold outside. So we don’t feel so bad about parading around looking like we lost our genitals in a tragic beer pong accident and had to get a transplant from a malnourished eighth-grader. And the girls…well, let’s just say that if any girl were suddenly captured in one of those glass mime boxes, she could cut her way to freedom quite easily. Of course, there is a certain contingent of guys who seem unaffected, who manage to defy the cold, who actually seem to grow stronger from it, but we all know it’s because they're black.
My first year here I participated in the NQR, and found it thrilling, exhilarating, and refreshing. I also feel entitled to note that I ran 100 percent sober. I understand why many people turn to liquid courage to embolden them, remove their inhibitions, and even keep them warm. But there are those of us out there, many far bolder than I, with the bravado, the guts, and the testicular fortitude to run with all faculties intact. Really, my contribution to the NQR is negligible so far, but like the guy in the orchestra who plays the triangle, I make every moment count.
When the time rolled around again my sophomore year, I didn’t feel the desire to run. So I watched, which was a worthy experience in its own right. But this year, though only my third, will be my last, and as such I’ve felt the desire stirring again. The run is this Friday, in only a few days, and I think I will be on the course. I’ve been in the gym all semester, training furiously, and now I know why. If all goes well, this weekend there will be a post-game report, with major plays, errors, fumbles (these things all happen) and perhaps the MVP. Stay tuned. And get naked.


Here, I must take a moment to thank the progenitor of this blog: Quinn Maynard. Quinn, who goes to school with Richard, was not only the inspiration for my taking up blogging, but also the creator of this blog’s name. And I should say that, if Quinn were to run the NQR, the other runners would part before him as though he were Moses and they were the Red Sea. Calling Quinn “studly” is like calling Yao Ming “tall.” You can enjoy his writings here: www.qwmaynard.blogspot.com.